This has been a pet peeve of mine from the time I realized that I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I asked myself “Why would people stay in a relationship that is unfulfilling?” I, granted, stayed in mine well past the ‘best before date’. My, very valid, excuse was that I wanted to give us an opportunity to fix things. This had to happen over a matter of time. Like two years…. I guessed. Not much changed over the two years. Well, my perspective on it changed.
My mom, even today, was talking about her ‘uneducated’ friend that has children in their 40’s that are still with their spouses. Apparently, she taught them well. The silent comments that I heard in my head was “Why couldn’t you keep it together?” “Where did I fail as a mother?” Blah, blah, blah.
She and my father have been together for over 45 yrs. They wear it like a badge of honour. In my personal opinion, it’s a horrible marriage. No respect for each other. Yelling, Arguing. Swearing. But this is their dance. They know the music. They know the dance steps. I never wanted anything like that and I never had that. By all accounts my hubby was a really nice guy. Very respectful. An awesome dad. A gentleman. But he had other flaws. When you think to yourself “If I have to do this for another 20 years, I’m going to slit my wrists.” you know you should probably move on. Of course, I would never do that. So instead, I moved on. Now comes the process of recreating my life. It’s exciting, scary, exhausting, lonely at times but the right thing for me. This part is hard but giving birth taught me that we are tougher than we could ever imagine. The future will be amazing and I can’t wait for this second part of my life! (I’m having a déjà vu.)
Now back to trying to understand the couples that stay in a miserable or benign marriage and don’t try to make it better. They just plod through each day. Same old, same old. I would bet a huge percentage will be visiting Ashley Madison or Plenty of Fish. Those sites are bursting at the seams with ‘nice people’ that you would never imagine would go outside of their relationships. (mixed in with some strange people too) Their friends and family could not, in a million years, believe that they did. So, do you think that it’s ok to do that if it is discrete and your marriage stays intact? Everyone continues to see you as a wonderful, happy couple. After all, separations are emotional, expensive, exhausting, hard for everyone… a lot of work. And then, who knows who you will end up with? So many unknowns. It’s scary. But is living a lie realistic for the long haul? It’s a decision each person has to make on their own considering their goals, priorities and values.
BTW, I interviewed some of these people (men and women) and they were all very sad and hurting individuals, when it came right down to it. Going to those sites was a desperate measure they would have preferred not to have to take. #notcondoningit
Also, I purposely did not link to those sites as I don’t want you going there through my blog. If you want to go there, it won’t be because I made it easier for you. 🙂