There are many reasons why someone would sleep with someone’s spouse or partner. In reality, the onus falls on the person that has made a commitment to another. If someone stripped down naked and said ‘do me’, you always have the choice to say ‘thanks, but no thanks.’
Patricia is single, 40-something, divorced. She has slept with married men and has no problem with that. She is an average women.
She doesn’t want to steal your husband. She doesn’t want a relationship. But she does want sex. She feels an attraction to him and lets him know by flirting and throwing out suggestive comments in casual conversation. If he looks interested, she will escalate the sexual conversation. At any point he can shut her down and that’s fine. She says ‘Why would you want to sleep with someone that isn’t interested in the same thing? The sex, at best, will be barely mediocre.’
MTM- How do you pick the guys that you will pursue or select the one’s that pursue you?
Patricia- Most often I will meet them online. If I’m initially attracted to their profile and picture, I will contact them. Then meet them briefly to see if there is mutual attraction in person. That feeling of getting butterflies in your stomach, the excitement is wonderful. Typically I’m attracted to younger men. Many like older women because they know what they like, they are confident and there is so much less drama. Men want you to tell them how they can please you. They love knowing that they were responsible for your explosive orgasm.
MTM- What is the youngest that has been interested in having sex with you?
Patricia- I think early 20’s. But I was not interested in being a ‘teacher’. I want to be with someone that knows his way around a woman so it didn’t go anywhere. I got many requests from guys 15 -20 years younger. I think it’s a ‘thing’ with them. I find it a waste of time and effort to go that young. Plus, if there is any conversation, it would be more annoying than anything.
MTM- What is the conversation like when you first meet? How long is the meeting?
Patricia- The initial meeting is likely less than it takes to have a cup of coffee. We might talk about general interests, how we are feeling around each other, what we are thinking that we might want to do to each other in that moment. We have probably covered most of what we would like to try in texts or emails. So, we might talk about schedules or locations if the attraction is there. We will kiss. That is very important because if their kissing doesn’t do anything for you, there is no point in taking it further.
MTM- Does it bother you at all if they are already in a relationship or marriage?
Patricia- I prefer men in relationships because that reduces the possibility of me getting in a relationship. I don’t want to be tied down right now. Their life outside of ‘us’ has nothing to do with me so I don’t ask for any details. Even their name is irrelevant. I’m just looking for someone to have great sex with once or twice per week. I don’t care about his other relationships, if he has kids or what he does for a living as long as he is willing to pay for a hotel room occasionally. But a car or secluded place is fine too. I won’t bring them to my place for privacy reasons.
MTM- Are you concerned about STD’s or pregnancy?
Patricia- Condoms are a must. I’m not on the pill anymore so I do worry about the condom breaking. It’s happened and it did cause some stress for a time until I found that everything was fine. I will have checks for STD’s several times a year just in case something slips through or sooner if I think something is ‘off’ with my body. It’s important to know yourself and what is normal for you.
MTM- Aren’t you worried that you might fall in love with someone that you can’t have?
Patricia- I’m realistic about that. It’s possible I guess, but I curb the feelings and thoughts that may bring me to that place. I’m not interested in being in a relationship. In the future, when I’m ready again, my dating choices will be different. Also, I’m not naive enough to even consider that a married man will leave his wife for someone he met to have sex with. The criteria for each can be so different.
The impression I got through our discussion was that she is in it for herself. She is selfish. She feels that your relationship isn’t her problem and you have to agree. It’s your problem. She is confident and knows what she wants out of meeting your husband. The initial emails and texts discuss the hope of physical attraction, what they are interested in doing, butterflies, and where to meet. She is exploring her sexuality and that’s her only goal. She doesn’t care how many kids he has or his miserable relationship with this wife. She doesn’t care what he does or even what his name is, to be blunt. If she meets him for coffee she will know within minutes if they will have sex, if there is mutual attraction. It really doesn’t matter where, a car, a beach, a motel… You can use your imagination, which is good, because you can be that woman (or man) to your partner. Arrange a meeting with your partner and discuss mainly sex topics. “Have you tried this?” “Would you like to try that?” “Are you open to this?” Trust and a non-judgmental environment is critical. Alcohol does not need to be involved, but one drink might help relax you. More can diminish your experience.
The interview with Patricia is based on a conversation I had with a woman I met a few years ago and was shocked by it at the time. The shock has now subsided. She is now in a monogamous relationship with a single man. Life continues to evolve.
photo credit: gail m tang via photopin cc
More to Midlife 